EVBORD

Worst keyboard ever

So the other day I was thinking about the progress of computer keyboards. And why not imagine the worst possible keyboard that could have been created by the best possible marketologists? Introducing…

EV el Bord: Wurster

layout

Our team has worked hard to create the ultimate keyboard experience. Data scientists from science have analyzed tonloads of data and conducted special research for the product. Our team has worked hard for years to present you the Wurster.

It’s more than a keyboard, it’s your best friend that you will not be able to stop using. Let’s begin with the overview of layout first.

» Layout

Power PowerOff

Our team analyzed the data (all of it) and the only command that is being executed EVERY time your computer starts is powering it off. So we have put a separate key for it in the easy access place

Enter the future

There has always been discussion whether the best ‘Enter’ is the wide one or the tall one. We have analyzed modern web and concluded: ‘Enter’ is the dying trend. There is always a ‘Post’ or ‘Send’ button that people press with a mouse, so having a huge key just for entering new line is abslutely not neccessary. This is the trend Apple is sure to follow in the nearest future

Happiness button

Surely the left space is used wisely: you can now type a smiley with your new improved layout in just one click. Shift+smiley will write a full version ‘:-)’ instead of shortcut ‘:)’. Research shows that typing smiley faces is correlated with people’s happiness, so there is no button for sad smiley and that’s how our company improves mental state and cheerfulness of our customers

Shield button

The shift button is overrated. All of the text editor applications have auto-correction so the key is left for backwards compatibility. Some programs still require it for the shortcuts

You are in control anytime

Poll conducted in our team showed that nobody knows why the CTRL button is still here. The only reason it is left: some of the games still use it instead of the more cool and useful buttons

QWERTZ: be smart like HERTZ

Another study shows that adapting to new keyboard layout improves cognitive functions. Since we did not want to shock our customers too much we decided to use German layout for the keyboard for a little cognitive improvement. Also we are using UK layout for the special symbols in the number row, which is not mentioned in the image since nobody is using it anyway

White space wide as space: double performance

Whitespace is the old and true companion of everyone. So we have made a decision to double its power with our extra-wide split key. Our study shows that using this layout allowed to increase whitespace typing speed by average 40% compared to single key: this is the freedom you did not dare to ask for

No more legacy

Remember frustration about ‘0’ being to the right of ‘9’? It is no more. Our company has the courage to end this legacy nonsence. Now you can type ‘10’ on average three times faster!!

Tab who?

Another breakthrough is removing the ‘Tab’ key completely. There is more use for the PrintScreen key, aint’ it? :-)

Calculator part

Another historical oddity was related to the number field to the right of the keyboard. We’ve just made it correspond to what you seen on your mobile phone, that’s it. Top to bottom, left to right. There is not a single culture in the world who is writing bottom to top, why should our keyboard be different?

Also note a so-much-needed ‘=’ sign too! You’ve been missed friend, welcome home!

First keyboard for ALL operating systems

Our research team studied the question of Linux and Windows compatibility and the only difference between the two: one uses \n while another uses \r for a new line character. We are proud to announce that our keyboard is the first truly compatible with ALL possible operating systems since we have both of the keys that will make you extra prepared

You control your OS

Name the worst part of working with your computer. We’re sure it’s picking the right button: sleep or hybernate or poweroff? Then you have to pinpoint the right button after all the hard battles. Impossible! With our keyboard you have all the control you need: PowerOff, Sleep, Reboot and Hybernate are all separate buttons waiting for you to be pressed. Have all the fun in the world and don’t worry!

» Ergonomic or Functional? YES

Key sizes are put according to the modern ergonomics trends. Check this out

Zigzag not Zagzig

The other manufacturers have been following the typewriter trend for eternity. Now the keys are placed in the correct order after all those years

Touch screen

Following modern trends we have put a touchscreen bar between the number row and the function row. Unlike other companies this is an IP77 certified touchscreen that will work in the cold, in the warm, in the rain and with the gloves. Eat that Apple

Touch some more screens

Touchsceens are the best. It it was not true then why are all our phones and cars have touchscreens? We made a step further and added touchscreens to some of the keycaps of our keys. Some letters require an ultra-low responce time. Like when you NEED to type “HAHAHAHAHAHA” in your dialogue. For the purpose the keys “H”,“A”,“U”,“F”,“L”,“O” are equipped with ultra-high responce sensors. When you tap the sensor it will instantly write an upper register of the key. When you press it, the normal keyboard behaviour is expected

And even more screens

There are two more screens on the keyboards to show you news, weather forecast, the characters that you have typed and your favourite key of the day. Screens are baclkit with bright LCDs that will be visible under direct sunlight

* Under certain circumstances partners’ ads are possible to appear on the screens

Funcional groups

Another feature taken from the laptops is the arrow key grouping. We’ve used the same principle in the pgUp-pgDn keys since it represents its unity the most.

One can see that Up and Down arrows are printed as text: ‘up’ and ‘dn’ and it is not an error: if you turn the keyboard upside-down the accelerometer will detect it and will flip the keys automatically: your ‘up’ will continue being arrow up. Now your little siblings will not spoil your game by flipping your keyboard upside-down!

Two calculators??

YES! This will ramp up your productivity doing boring tasks and save time for what really matters

WASD is dead

With our new zigzag layout you will not miss your keys due to illogically shifted keys. Switch to 2ASD and you will always have your forward key right above the backward key

» Killer squad

The next set of killer features are mostly unique to our device and never been done before

Repeat please

Ever felt frustration when you typed a key and forgot where it was? With our “Repeat” key you will never have to remember. Properly placed helper key will repeat whatever last key you’ve pressed

Smart KEK

The ‘KEK’ button will generate instant reactions to TikToks and send them with just one button press! Impressive!

Even smarter BS

The BS button will do the same but it will generate content based on whatever your input has been. Imagine participating in the comment-war with just one press of the button? Writing work reports? One button! Writing prompts to text generator to paste it to image generator to paste it to image reader to simplify its text output? You got it!

Keyboard for Hackers

The Hacker Mode key will help you write down hacking code by converting all your gibberish input into real-looking text

ACor for correcting with you

Our AI ML Big Data Crypto-blockchain technology will autocorrect all of your input with zero setup policy. Works out of the box! And built-in beeper will beep every time the autocorrection does not like what you’re typing

* Will require internet connection to function. Turned on by default, reset on reboot

And if you value your privacy and don’t trust us then press the Fn+ACor and return to the stone-age, okay-boomer

GAMING MODE

Get extra immersion with the GAMING MODE. In this mode LED’s will create an extra surrounding focusing environment and the built-in speaker will inform the player once he reached 400 APM!

45 degree is the best

We have conducted a research of the keyboards on the market and they suck. None of them was able to rise its angle to be actually perpendicular to the eyes of the user. With our engineering and scientific team we have calcualted that the best angle for the keyboard is 45 degrees and we are proud to be the first here too

Light as a flashlight

Not only the Wurster has the brightest in the class baclkight but there is also a frontlight flashlight. You will never be lost at the lan-party again, we got you covered, bro!

* We were considering adding turn-signals too but failed to patent it

Lost anyway?

But if you are lost anyway then you can always use a built-in compass for OFFLINE navigation. BATTERIES NOT NEEDED!!!

Feel matters

All of the surfaces are textured in the micro-pyramid texture for the best tactile feel. Together with snow-white colour it produces unique user experience on every level

The colour

We wanted to make a product with a character and the one everybody loves. So we took insporation from the crowd-favourite wursters and added unique colour to truly identify one-of-a-kind keyboard

Feedback force

Another feature that came from the mobile world: haptic feedback. Wurster is the first board to use vibration for the feedback

Mechanical Cherry blossom

Making a keyboard and not having mechanic keys nowadays is a suicide. So we’ve developed special mechanical keys for the Wurster only. Your neighbours are guaranteed to envy your new gadget

Not only that but the pressure force is different for different keys too. WASD hard, sleep free!

Cherry on top

For the hardcore gaming professionals as you are, being hydrated is essential, so there is an optional cupholder for two cups so that you will not have to worry about where you’ve left the energy drinks and protein cocktails

All in one

This keyboard cannot be called minimalistic. And our beta testers said there is no space left for the mouse on the table. Worry not: there is an optional mouse pad addon to keep your mouse on the certified glass surface for the smoothest ride possible

* You can also buy our mouse lubricant separately

Pro version

There is a pro version of the keyboard with blank keycaps. Will cost $300 more

» For future users

Connectivity

Stable Internet connection to our cloud servers is strictly required for the keyboard to work

Wireless

Keyboard is wireless. Keyboard functions are not available while charging

Power-saving

To save power the keyboard is programmed to turn off after 30 seconds of inactivity. There is a separate button to turn it on

Keyboard IP rating

Keyboard is not waterproof. Only the LCD panel is

IE_tm

Our company once bought a right to use trademark IE in our products so we had to put it there ever since

Author’s Comments

» Don’t try this at home

I was trying to think of the most evil of them all. I hope nobody does this IRL since it will be straight production of unusable trash. Actually making 90% of what is promised would cost me on the order of $5K for one board and could only serve as an artpiece.

» Inspired by nature

I’ve seen the following parts in real life keyboards

  • power off instead of esc

  • ESC one row further to the left of left ’tab-caps-shift’ vertical

  • split whitespace

  • rearranged home-end-pgup-pgdown

  • squashed arrows

  • fn key instead of ctrl. There were two keys on the board that had fn layout programmed ironically

  • reboot keys above arrow keys

  • Messed up numpad with ins and backspace

  • removed right ctrl/alt/context menu

  • touchbar instead of fn keys

  • degrouped F keys

  • delete is 2-slot high with ins unavailable (that keyboard had pause key anyway)

  • backspace instead of insert

  • numpad to the left (actually that’s the keyboard I own: numpad could be attached on any side)

  • Unexpected German layout

  • Useless screen for the sake of screen

  • cupholder (sort of: my IBM keyboard has enough flat space to house a cup there)

  • Volume knob. Not described here but ‘Mute’ is also a knob. Cheap encoders die in a couple of years and start glitching to the pint of unusable

  • Macro capabilities that are ignored by game client (again my keyboard)

  • Mechanical keys with click that don’t necessarily correspond to registered input

  • A lot of other ways to mess up a layout out of thin air because no reasons

End of article

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